With Logic comes Tolerance

I'm doing my best to be open, not accepting, but open.

Logic

You should never concede, because in doing so you have only made two people completely wrong... That should be a quote in a book call "Stupid Logic"

The phone is ringing....

Home owner (who thinks saying "hello" is boring): Do chickens have lips?
Caller (confused and bewildered): What?
Home owner: Do chickens have lips???
Caller: Who is this?
Home owner: Kevin.
Caller (after a lonnnnnng pause): I must have the wrong number.

Of Tattoos

Friend who just got a fairly provocative woman tattooed on his arm: Now I'm gonna have to wax my arm or she'll be all hairy.

Weather

Guy: What is it like outside? Is it still warm?
Girl: It's getting better, it's the cool side of warm.

courtesy of Adam

These are a few of my favorite things!

My favorite day of the year is the shortest day, people go to work in the dark, and come home in the dark, I love their pain!

Brilliant in more than just the cut

Jewelry Associate: He said he was looking for pink colored stones, and I said "pink sapphire are pink."

Resolutions

Woman: In my next life I will be normal-sized.

Synesthesia

P.S. it's your fault now if I tell all my friends, "is anyone smelling red in here."

hmmm....

My dad would have had kittens of joy if I did business.

Perhaps you should see a doctor

Customer in store: My butt jingles when I walk.

the stuff kids do

child on playground: Let ME pick her up!

Fashion Advice

Lady to another: See the mannequin? You would look cute with that tied around your butt.

(she was speaking of the shirt the mannequin had tied around its waist.)

See? It's right there!

TV Weather Guy:
"One thing you're going to notice on the map is that there's nothing to notice."

More Priorities

Guy: I'll do anything I can to help you feel better, just let me know what I can do for you!
Girl: Can I borrow the first season of Miami Vice?
Guy: Not Crockett and Tubbs! They're my boys!
Girl: You don't even have a dvd player right now!
Guy: But they keep me company, their picture is on the cover, and on each dvd. But I'll do anything else!

Everyone has Priorities

Cop who has just heard over his radio that he needs to go to a home whose silent alarm has just been tripped: Well, guys, I gotta go, someone might be dying... Hey, is that a new clock? Wow! I like that, it's really cool! Nice blue light!

Premonitions..

Guy: I don't have a bubble butt! What is a bubble butt anyway? You can kiss my bubble butt! That's gonna end up on a blog isn't it?

Greeting at Work

Upon entering the store I was greeted: "Hey Crapface!"

Random thought of the day

Girl: I saw a really ugly litte kid at the grocery store today, and I thought, "I don't want to have kids, what if I have one that ugly."

Qualifications of appliances

Father: do you like that vacuum?
Girl: It doesn't smell like butt.

You Know You Are A Nerd When

Computer Nerds Girlfriend: "Honey, kiss me like you mean it, take you hand off the mouse."

Obscene phone calls...

My phone rings and I answer to hear a seductive voice: "Heeeeey Tilly! Hey Baby. Come here! YOU WHORE!"

He was talking to his cat....

Don't ask.

Two guys in hall after playing football for an hour.

Dude 1: "Are you putting on lotion?"
Dude 2: "NO!! It's baby oil."

Boys...

Boy: I could curl your brother!

Boy: This is going to be a t-shirt, underwear, sock type of thing. (speaking of the drawers under a bed)

Boy at party snaps a girl's bra strap and says: Are you wearing two bras?!
Girl: What business of yours would it be if I was?